I'm gonna have a badass scar
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
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