In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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