Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
