Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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