I may or may not have screamed I'M ON A BOAT while having sex...on a boat. I think I was born to have sex with him.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
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