This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
