You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
