He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
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