I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
