I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
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