I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
So much Jack, so little girl.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
