I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
