my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?
Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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