Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I want you more than these girls want KFC
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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