I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
Randomize
