This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
