If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
