she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
