I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
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