In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
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