I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Randomize
