I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
