she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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