Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
She's takin more dicks this month than I have in my life by the sounds of it
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
