All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
