Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
Randomize
