so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
