3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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