She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
