Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Randomize
