Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Randomize
