how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
