I'm lost and stupid without you.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
