I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
