the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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