Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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