Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize