no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
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I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
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I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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