I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
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