Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.
he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.
no his phone, idiot.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
