One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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