I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
