Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
The beer is more important than you right now.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
