i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
