I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
