: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
