Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Randomize
