I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Randomize
