Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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