Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
