I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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