I haven't been this sober since birth.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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