Soap is not a condiment
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
