My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
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