i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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