guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
We need to rekindle our bromance
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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